When Failing is Good

I am very normal. Average look, average height (for Asian), average income, ... However, because of my tiger Mom, I worked hard in school. Up to a point I’m very scared to fail. This has also caused my fear to try new things and to shake the current equilibrium. Likewise fear of conflict.

Realising the negative impact of my ‘safe’ upbringing, I try to do different for my kids. My golden rule for them are they’ll get scolding for repeat mistake but not for the first time. As they grow, I have slowly released the control. Provide suggestion rather than direction in non life-and-death matter. Includes academic.

Why so lenient on academic? From observation, I think formal education grades only counts for your first job. Even this contributes less than 50%. When I interview job applicants, my main priority is whether the characters fit the job description and our office culture. Skill and knowledge can be taught (well of course not wanting to teach from the base, the acad and experience come into play to balance). And my bosses, so far, think so too. So far no one insisted to hire because the applicant is a straight A student.

So my No 1 was hit moderately hard in year 1. From small primary school pond to a big secondary school pond, she learnt that there are many bigger fish. She found out on how to recover from failing to get the things she aimed for, even though she has put in the effort.

Recently my No 2 had his first encounter.

And oh boy! I just realised that this kind of failure or rejection is harder for the Mom. 😆

All in all, from my two, two takeaways to share. First, Mom must toughen up and get ready. There’ll be tears and lengthy emotional non logical discussion why the child could not get it. This is especially for things beyond our control (those come with a disclaimer that xxx decision is final and would not entertain any questions or appeal). Second, it’s important for them to get it out. Listen to the rambling and outpouring. No need to force them to understand there and then. Eventually they’ll see your points.

Side note: Why Mom? Dad normally says, “Aiyah no big deal... carry on lah... Man up!“

Important outcomes of this experience are more than my initial purpose of bringing them up without fear. They also learnt:

1. Life still goes on... on the next day they saw that there are more opportunities. Seeing your child getting back on their feet without being bogged down by the upset is really rewarding for parents. 

2. Others also experience the same. They have comrades who failed too... even those received more ‘unfair’ result. They learnt to laugh at themselves. Being able to laugh at failures is very important for stress management.

3. There are things beyond control. Accepting that others have a different set of eyes and consideration is a really good step towards maturity and serenity.

As always, hope the above is useful for you.

Parenting a Teenager

When my babies were below 10 years old, definitely I cannot imagine life without them. Living away from them is unthinkable. Yes, I did refuse to go on business trip. That time, I cannot imagine how my own parents can let me go to study abroad. Or to get married.

But lo and behold... nature is indeed a beautiful and powerful process.

After 10 years old, came the rebellious ‘tude. Gone were the adoring eyes, gone were the blind trust and believe that parents were superheroes. THEN I can understand how parents round the world can let the children fly out of their nest.

Below are what have helped me to go through with my dear daughter. By the time she reached 14 we’re pretty much besties again. I am thankful to pass through the transition with a happy ending, maybe somewhat relatively fast. 

1. Parents should accept that a child is another human being, with own character, own thinking, own strength and weakness. Be the adult and help them to shape all into place, such that they can have a purpose in life. Shaping them after your own image of success is a recipe for disaster.

2. Punish or tell off the action, but never the person. In fact this goes with general population. Even the best people on earth do make mistake from time to time. Mistake is one way to learn.

3. Biologically they are confused. Help them recognise when it’s the hormone speaking. And then ways to control it. Example, told my daughter when it’s time of the month and she feels being in a lousy mood, better reduce interaction with others. Do other things on her own for a while. How to approach this is unique for every individual. Need to look for the best way.

4. Tell teens your problem. Work problem, house problem, friends problem, world news... This will help them to realize that problems are part of life. When they think they have problems, it’s normal. And by sharing, we’re sharing our frame of thoughts, the many facets of consideration, and how it arrives at the solution. Even better, share your bad solution. To share that making mistake is human will help them accept vulnerability to become less defensive about everything (sounds familiar, folks?)

5. Let them have a say in the house. We’re dealing with kittens that think they’re tigers. Having a say in how they live, will channel some of the power crave. Especially for boys, I observe. Those alpha male ego yearning to be released.

Can’t say I have perfected it. In fact, still struggle with No 2. If I come through intact I’ll write whether there’s a difference in parenting teen-girl and teen-boy.

Oh yeah, bonus tip: never criticise your teens’ friends! In this stage, friends are number one priority. Just watch out, sit tight, and listen. It’s better to listen to horror stories rather than being judgmental and knowing no story.