When Failing is Good

I am very normal. Average look, average height (for Asian), average income, ... However, because of my tiger Mom, I worked hard in school. Up to a point I’m very scared to fail. This has also caused my fear to try new things and to shake the current equilibrium. Likewise fear of conflict.

Realising the negative impact of my ‘safe’ upbringing, I try to do different for my kids. My golden rule for them are they’ll get scolding for repeat mistake but not for the first time. As they grow, I have slowly released the control. Provide suggestion rather than direction in non life-and-death matter. Includes academic.

Why so lenient on academic? From observation, I think formal education grades only counts for your first job. Even this contributes less than 50%. When I interview job applicants, my main priority is whether the characters fit the job description and our office culture. Skill and knowledge can be taught (well of course not wanting to teach from the base, the acad and experience come into play to balance). And my bosses, so far, think so too. So far no one insisted to hire because the applicant is a straight A student.

So my No 1 was hit moderately hard in year 1. From small primary school pond to a big secondary school pond, she learnt that there are many bigger fish. She found out on how to recover from failing to get the things she aimed for, even though she has put in the effort.

Recently my No 2 had his first encounter.

And oh boy! I just realised that this kind of failure or rejection is harder for the Mom. 😆

All in all, from my two, two takeaways to share. First, Mom must toughen up and get ready. There’ll be tears and lengthy emotional non logical discussion why the child could not get it. This is especially for things beyond our control (those come with a disclaimer that xxx decision is final and would not entertain any questions or appeal). Second, it’s important for them to get it out. Listen to the rambling and outpouring. No need to force them to understand there and then. Eventually they’ll see your points.

Side note: Why Mom? Dad normally says, “Aiyah no big deal... carry on lah... Man up!“

Important outcomes of this experience are more than my initial purpose of bringing them up without fear. They also learnt:

1. Life still goes on... on the next day they saw that there are more opportunities. Seeing your child getting back on their feet without being bogged down by the upset is really rewarding for parents. 

2. Others also experience the same. They have comrades who failed too... even those received more ‘unfair’ result. They learnt to laugh at themselves. Being able to laugh at failures is very important for stress management.

3. There are things beyond control. Accepting that others have a different set of eyes and consideration is a really good step towards maturity and serenity.

As always, hope the above is useful for you.