When Failing is Good

I am very normal. Average look, average height (for Asian), average income, ... However, because of my tiger Mom, I worked hard in school. Up to a point I’m very scared to fail. This has also caused my fear to try new things and to shake the current equilibrium. Likewise fear of conflict.

Realising the negative impact of my ‘safe’ upbringing, I try to do different for my kids. My golden rule for them are they’ll get scolding for repeat mistake but not for the first time. As they grow, I have slowly released the control. Provide suggestion rather than direction in non life-and-death matter. Includes academic.

Why so lenient on academic? From observation, I think formal education grades only counts for your first job. Even this contributes less than 50%. When I interview job applicants, my main priority is whether the characters fit the job description and our office culture. Skill and knowledge can be taught (well of course not wanting to teach from the base, the acad and experience come into play to balance). And my bosses, so far, think so too. So far no one insisted to hire because the applicant is a straight A student.

So my No 1 was hit moderately hard in year 1. From small primary school pond to a big secondary school pond, she learnt that there are many bigger fish. She found out on how to recover from failing to get the things she aimed for, even though she has put in the effort.

Recently my No 2 had his first encounter.

And oh boy! I just realised that this kind of failure or rejection is harder for the Mom. 😆

All in all, from my two, two takeaways to share. First, Mom must toughen up and get ready. There’ll be tears and lengthy emotional non logical discussion why the child could not get it. This is especially for things beyond our control (those come with a disclaimer that xxx decision is final and would not entertain any questions or appeal). Second, it’s important for them to get it out. Listen to the rambling and outpouring. No need to force them to understand there and then. Eventually they’ll see your points.

Side note: Why Mom? Dad normally says, “Aiyah no big deal... carry on lah... Man up!“

Important outcomes of this experience are more than my initial purpose of bringing them up without fear. They also learnt:

1. Life still goes on... on the next day they saw that there are more opportunities. Seeing your child getting back on their feet without being bogged down by the upset is really rewarding for parents. 

2. Others also experience the same. They have comrades who failed too... even those received more ‘unfair’ result. They learnt to laugh at themselves. Being able to laugh at failures is very important for stress management.

3. There are things beyond control. Accepting that others have a different set of eyes and consideration is a really good step towards maturity and serenity.

As always, hope the above is useful for you.

Parenting a Teenager

When my babies were below 10 years old, definitely I cannot imagine life without them. Living away from them is unthinkable. Yes, I did refuse to go on business trip. That time, I cannot imagine how my own parents can let me go to study abroad. Or to get married.

But lo and behold... nature is indeed a beautiful and powerful process.

After 10 years old, came the rebellious ‘tude. Gone were the adoring eyes, gone were the blind trust and believe that parents were superheroes. THEN I can understand how parents round the world can let the children fly out of their nest.

Below are what have helped me to go through with my dear daughter. By the time she reached 14 we’re pretty much besties again. I am thankful to pass through the transition with a happy ending, maybe somewhat relatively fast. 

1. Parents should accept that a child is another human being, with own character, own thinking, own strength and weakness. Be the adult and help them to shape all into place, such that they can have a purpose in life. Shaping them after your own image of success is a recipe for disaster.

2. Punish or tell off the action, but never the person. In fact this goes with general population. Even the best people on earth do make mistake from time to time. Mistake is one way to learn.

3. Biologically they are confused. Help them recognise when it’s the hormone speaking. And then ways to control it. Example, told my daughter when it’s time of the month and she feels being in a lousy mood, better reduce interaction with others. Do other things on her own for a while. How to approach this is unique for every individual. Need to look for the best way.

4. Tell teens your problem. Work problem, house problem, friends problem, world news... This will help them to realize that problems are part of life. When they think they have problems, it’s normal. And by sharing, we’re sharing our frame of thoughts, the many facets of consideration, and how it arrives at the solution. Even better, share your bad solution. To share that making mistake is human will help them accept vulnerability to become less defensive about everything (sounds familiar, folks?)

5. Let them have a say in the house. We’re dealing with kittens that think they’re tigers. Having a say in how they live, will channel some of the power crave. Especially for boys, I observe. Those alpha male ego yearning to be released.

Can’t say I have perfected it. In fact, still struggle with No 2. If I come through intact I’ll write whether there’s a difference in parenting teen-girl and teen-boy.

Oh yeah, bonus tip: never criticise your teens’ friends! In this stage, friends are number one priority. Just watch out, sit tight, and listen. It’s better to listen to horror stories rather than being judgmental and knowing no story.

Apple Watch for Moms

A short one.

Two years ago my looong-service helper decided to return back to her village for good.

I had never cooked in my life then, not anything more than instant noodles or frying eggs. I baked, but savoury everyday dishes are totally a different ball game (short of trying to find meal recipe that comes with precise instruction of how many tsp of salt, grams of vege, or ml of water).

Not to forget the military-precision required hectic children schedule. Schools, stay-backs, tuitions, uniform, breaks, lunches, ...

Once or twice I went back home in fear that I forgot to turn off the stove. Or cover the kids lunches (I prepare in the morning and leave it on the table at that time. Now more clever. Tips on this on later post).

At that point in time I considered a smart watch. And after a careful selection, I chose an Apple Watch. Simple reason, it’s easy to use. Standard, not complicated, and should be durable enough to accompany me washing the bathroom or doing the dishes.

A few joys are:

1. Added Google calendar complications, so that I can tell where the kids are, and in the morning it’s literally a flick of the wrist to see what I need to prepare for that day.

2. Timer. Used this both to time the kids gaming time, test paper trial, and cooking.

3. Very nice to be able to receive calls and message wherever you are. Especially if you are waiting for Amazon delivery or a call back. This, without the rush finding the phone.

4. Ingredient list. I took a snap of the recipe, and keep it as favorite on my phone. Access the favorite photos from Apple Watch while cooking. Likewise this can be done for shopping. 

5. News headlines. Esp. in COVID-19, I can sort of stay up-to-the-hour with happenings, policy, area to avoid without needing to browse through the news. Just enable the notification.

There are other uses too such as Apple TV remote, camera remote, activity rings, Spotify, alarm, world clock,... haha and it also allows furtive message checking in meetings 😜

Whether it worths the price... Hard to say. It’s very good. But I still feel it’s too expensive for a Mommy watch. And, the fact that it can only be paired with an Apple phone, brings the system cost up. But well indeed it is my mini helper. 

The Perks of Having Faith

Recently, US has a historical turning point (it seems, I hope for the better) on racism.

Another sensitive topic is religion.

This post touches on that so I feel the need to set the stage right in the beginning. I write with a purpose of sharing useful tips from my life experience. Took me quite some time to consider, but it’s indeed very useful and important for me so here it is...

From the title, ‘faith’ refers loosely to any believes or religion. To me, any teaching that encourages human to be kind to others and do fruitful deeds are good. I do not subscribe (though by right I should, I believe my God is kind and understanding) to you-will-go-to-hell-unless-you-join-my-religion. Main reason, I think God is kind and wise. He will see the good deeds.

Up to now, I suppose you can guess that yes, I am not a free-thinker or an atheist.

I came from a country that having a religion is mandatory. So it was an eye opener when I realized that in Singapore, it is not.

What is the perks of having a faith? To me, it allows me to hope. When times are tough, I have my God to lean on and ask for help. Even in a messed up time, I dare to hope that things happen for a reason, and eventually all will be ok. Uncertain future? Have faith and hope.

With this, I do not blame others or myself when things go wrong. And I don’t get frustrated easily too.

For my children, I don’t force faith. I provide the environment and send them to faith formation classes. I have shared the above purpose with them, eventually I hope that our faith can help them similarly when they’re away from me. 

I think, having faith may be able to reduce teens suicide rate.

Friends within the religious group tends to be kinder, less judgmental. This provides support for rough teenage time. Coping with physical change, mood swing, academic demand... is no joke.

So if it never occur to you to try, can give it a go. If you have strayed, can come back to your faith. If you are comfortable as is now, also cool.

Direct School Admission (DSA)

Previous post was about GEP, which screening happens in P3.

Now fast forward to P6, the Direct School Admission (DSA) exercise.

What is DSA?

Best definition would be from MOE website.

But in short, DSA is a process in Singapore education system to allow matching of talents to the secondary school with a little compromise on academic result.

By pure academic result, students are posted to secondary school based on the PSLE cutoff point. Until this year, using normalised score, this can be pretty cut throat.

Through DSA, talented students enjoy a little bit of leeway.

What field of talents required?

For the full list, please visit the secondary school website. MOE website also lists a few talent area. In general, it would be sports, arts, language, math, science, STEM, leadership, ... some even include entrepreneurial.

How is the process?

In past four to five years, I see the process being tweaked almost every year. Best to check out the detailed steps from both MOE and target secondary school website.

Simplified steps are application (now centralised by MOE except for SSP and a few other schools), test/audition, interview, result, and... student option whether to accept the school offer.

There are three possible result. Confirmed Offer (CO), Waiting List (WL), or rejected. Students must lock in their reply before PSLE result announcement. For those WL, definite in/out will be indicated in the PSLE result slip. 

How much of academic result trade off are we talking about?

Although normally the prerequisite to accept the offer is pretty low, but the school selection process will take the academic result into consideration. This is to ensure that the students accepted through this process can survive the 4-6 years. What I observed, DSA ‘discount’ is not more than 5 to 10% off the normal cutoff point. 

Why is it good?

* Allow children to brush up non academic field, while still enjoying the challenging academic requirement in secondary school. To me, this is like a safety net for the children to switch back to academic if they want to.

* This scheme also helps student with a very strong particular subject but less of a well-rounder. 

* Some argues that this lifts up some PSLE pressure from the kid. But please beware. My personal experience is No 1 is even more stressed after receiving a CO. In fear of cannot match up to peers entering via normal path.

How it can backfire?

Students entering the school via DSA is obliged to both performing the activities in the field they apply through for 4 years minimum.

Example, talents in sport must compete for the school with no option to drop even if the secondary school academic result suffer. 

Another possible case is that the PSLE result is way below the expected result. This mean the student cannot back off (because option is locked before result announcement), finger crossed and work hard to catch up. 

Any good tips?

* Visit the secondary school open house in P5 (IP schools normally hold it in May, and most school hold it in November). To me this is useful for two reasons: good to let the child see and strive for the P5 result, and in case there’s anything preventing the open house in P6.

* See see look look kiasu parents website. Normally they have a dedicated forum for each year of DSA. There are some practical tips and info that cannot be found elsewhere. Just take it with a pinch of salt since not all the contributor opinion is up-lifting.

* If you are a parent with a child talented in art or sport and willing to spend or do the work, build up the portfolio early to avoid costly brush up in P4-P5. To do a demo video, some agents charged an unbelievable sum.

Hope this post is informative, to provide a balance between the DSA hype and the risk. See ya!

Sorry... And A GEP Follow Up

 I only pen thoughts for pleasure. Hence, it is not at all regular. And, being a jack of all trades master of none, my attention span is really short. This, coupled with many happenings in my family, really took the energy away from writing. 

Why this prelude and why the sorry? Because I just realised that there are readers *blush*. Never thought of that. And that the nice readers leave comments. I just found out. And hence just published it. Some questions, because too old, are no longer relevant (and I believe no one is still expecting the answer). Sincerely I am sorry... I hope with technology I will be able to reply in time for the future.

Now, it is the season of GEP screening :D

This is related to my older post. I think at that time, my No 1 was having it. No 1 didn’t get in, but No 2 did. So below are my thoughts... hope it is useful.

What is GEP?

Gifted Education Programme (GEP) is targetted for high ability children in Singapore. These children, learn deeper and wider topics in English Math Science and Social Study. Plus with projects too. It is a 3 years (well 2.5 years if you count PSLE prep) from P4 to P6.

How is the screening being done?

Currently there are two rounds of test. Both are similar, but the second one is harder and more extensive. I have not seen the papers, but I heard from my kids they are like math IQ question with English comprehension.

Is it more expensive?

No. If the child is selected, and choose to join, the program is done in some primary schools in Singapore. No additional cost. Half joking : but you need to pay additional hours to do it.

How different is the program vs mainstream syllabus?

First year was a shock for us. It’s been an eye opener to see what a 10 year old can do. It’s really amazing. The Gifted Ed Branch did a good job in preparing the parents mentally, and in providing close mini counselling for the children.

Example of different requirement: if normal composition requirement is 140 words, in GEP it is common for an essay assignment requiring 700-1500 words (may not be accurate but hope you get the gist). Likewise for comprehension. The text is like 2 pages long in font 12 single spacing.

And, the Teachers are really well equipped for challenging questions from curious minds. I’m also very impressed on how they can teach. I couldn’t until now think of how to teach a child to do above comprehension test within limited time. How to spot the info and how to know what the questions are asking about. 

A few parents I know really put in lots of time in helping their kids coping (with assignment tracking, preparing for presentation, projects, teaching, ...). But I managed to go fairly unscathed. Only more nagging because really the work can snowball unless it’s done regularly. For quality of work, I believe in letting the kid go by own effort. To be sent for competition or being top of the class is never my target. 

What to prepare for the test?

There are tutors and centers focused on GEP Test preparation. My personal take, don’t. For the sole reason that if a child need to prepare for the test to pass, the child will need to work really hard to catch up. Of course, likewise, there are again tutors and centers offering GEP curriculums lesson to help the kid coping. But it really takes away the enjoyment. Related to my last question below. Keep reading... or scroll through...

Are the children suffering?

Despite the high workload, No 2 is having a good time. Every few months when I saw him buried deep in homework I asked whether he regretted joining the program (fun trivia: the child need to sign that he wants to join). His answer is always a firm no. He really enjoy the mind challenge and most importantly to be among likeminded friends.

Emotionally will they still get to be a child?

Ooo yeah! Still mischievous as ever. For sports and arts they are combined with the mainstreams children. Plus of course there’s CCA.

How is the assessment and passing rate?

In the briefing, we were told that passing rate is 70%. Failed case in meeting this is really rare. Not because it’s easy, but because the teachers will guide the children and parents will be engaged if necessary. Test papers are standardised among all GEP primary school. If I’m not wrong, the Teachers also can cross mark (meaning the work may be marked by another school teacher).

Why social study?

One more unique feature of GEP is the serious social study test. Why, I have not seek a formal answer. But I do believe in the need to balance high ability with social consciousness. So this is only my guess. I include this question to highlight that the program is quite well rounded. 

Last question... related to test prep question above:

All in all, is GEP prog more superior than mainstream?

When I got my first baby, I read that study shows children that can read faster are not necessarily more successful in life. Of course depends on success definition. That advise refer to regular perceived success. Likewise for GEP. Of course I don’t know the adult outcome yet. But I do believe the early exposure is beneficial to a certain extend only. 

My No 1 was in mainstream but she managed to join an IP school with plenty ex-GEP friends. So comparing the two:

* GEP do prepare for IP. For the first year, I saw ex-GEPpers were better equipped. The thinking and work process are very similar.

* But, after the first year, ex-mainstreams can catch up. No issue. Ex GEPpers seem like more interested in those mentorship research program, moot parliament, ... could be related to their exposure to research and social study.

* Both groups have equal leadership and non acad talents. Some super kids can really grab it all. Art sport leadership acad all top notch. But honest to goodness there are only how many of this kind. Let the child find their own passion balance is better in my view.

And, No 2 believes that there are smarter kids that didn’t get selected. Either because they were not in optimum condition during test or because they’re not so interested in answering acad questions.

If your child is going for the test, all the best. Let him/her knows no need to be so stressed, just have fun. Both outcome are alright.

If your child has been selected, congrats, you got a ticket for an exciting ride.

Note: this post is a pure opinion. Please don’t shoot me. And no compensation in any form from anyone.

Five Determinants of Salary

Our children are in the teen years... where they think about life. Especially No. 1, she has been putting serious thoughts into her choice of career. Amazingly, this pandemic encourages her to work even harder since she believe it would be harder for her generation.

So, recently one of our dinner table conversation was what determine a person salary. This topic has been on my mind of years, every time I screen through job openings. Remuneration package is always linked to:

1. Number of hours to put in

To professional, this may include travelling, being away from your family

2. Sheer good old talents and capability

Unique or strong talent, can spend lesser time at work while earning similar pay

3. Responsibility

In short of two above, if you are willing to take responsibility, definitely it is valued and paid accordingly

4. Risk

Simple supply and demand of work force. Without lucrative pay, we won’t have anyone willing to put themselves in danger. Physically or legally or ...

5. ... Connection...

Originally I only had 4 above. Then this came up. This does not include nepotism perse. But more of people skill. One aspect is if you are closer to the correct people, another aspect is your network in relation to job needs. Personal relationships do influence professionals.

What’s your dinner table conversation topic? :)