Five Determinants of Salary

Our children are in the teen years... where they think about life. Especially No. 1, she has been putting serious thoughts into her choice of career. Amazingly, this pandemic encourages her to work even harder since she believe it would be harder for her generation.

So, recently one of our dinner table conversation was what determine a person salary. This topic has been on my mind of years, every time I screen through job openings. Remuneration package is always linked to:

1. Number of hours to put in

To professional, this may include travelling, being away from your family

2. Sheer good old talents and capability

Unique or strong talent, can spend lesser time at work while earning similar pay

3. Responsibility

In short of two above, if you are willing to take responsibility, definitely it is valued and paid accordingly

4. Risk

Simple supply and demand of work force. Without lucrative pay, we won’t have anyone willing to put themselves in danger. Physically or legally or ...

5. ... Connection...

Originally I only had 4 above. Then this came up. This does not include nepotism perse. But more of people skill. One aspect is if you are closer to the correct people, another aspect is your network in relation to job needs. Personal relationships do influence professionals.

What’s your dinner table conversation topic? :)

Theory on Human Second Birth

We have a pre-teen at home 😔😄😰😱😖😍😳😤😡🙄

That's some emo, just to represent our emotional roller coaster. And, ladies and gentlemen, our first pre-teen is a girl!

I am not credible yet to comment on pre-teen boys. But most mommies I chatted with agree that girls tend to be... Bitchy. Sad but true.

Surrounding the hormones overloads are the constant bickering, self-centered self-pity emotion analysis, and plenty of picking on others (main focus will be boys and siblings). Not to mention the neurotic thought and gasp and moan, everything seems like a big problem of life and death situation.

That sparks a theory to me. Anyone with an itch to explore on it scientifically, please feel free as long as you let me know if what's the outcome.

Ok, my theory is that every human has a second birth.

The first birth is after 40 weeks of conception, this is the physical birth.

The second birth is after 20 or so years old. This is the mental and emotional birth.

So during childhood and teenage-hood, one's personality is being formed. Mainly. Of course after that things are still progressing, but more or less this period is the definitive formation period.

Parenting wise, as much as we have a responsibility during the pregnancy, parents also have unique opportunity and obligation to shape the children characters. To me, it should be aimed for contribution to society and the independent fulfillment of self actualization needs.

Well... Please take it with a pinch of salt. It is a jolly rambling of a mother who is currently so enjoying her motherhood. All the best to parents out there... Enjoy the ride while you can. 

HDB Home Improvement Program - Stay in!

Recently, quite a number of HDB Home Improvement Program (HIP) cases are scheduled to change waste pipe and toilet upgrading, mainly in old estate.

Today is day 10 for our family. It's supposedly the end 😀

Next post will be dedicated for home owners, what to do. This post alone will be for parents. 

Firstly, what is involved? The program is a mass renovation of waste pipe (compulsory) and toilets/shower (optional). Lead time per flat is about 10 working-days (inclusive Saturdays). It's done in mass production style, so per HDB block, roughly about 2 months (depending on number of units).

During the 2 months, expect:

* hacking noise

* dust (comes with above)

* lift breakdown and jam (as a result of carrying pails of cement and the non-stop activity of the construction)

During the 10 days, expect dysfunctional kitchen, toilet/shower, and washing machine.

Sounds scary, right?

Before starting, there's about 6 months to a year involving voting, inspection, options, ... During this time, we prepared mentally, looking around for other living option and other alternative arrangements (laundromat, count no of uniforms necessary, ...).

During those time, we also considered:

* bunking in with friends or relatives

* economical hotel (something from 100+ per night)

* Airbnb apartment rental

However, by God's grace, something downed on me a few weeks before the renovation starts. We are having a pre-teen in the house. By law of nature, she complains A LOT. So I had an idea of staying in during the whole chaos to let them see and experience the discomfort. Cruel Mommy, right? Well, tens of other families with no other option did it. So I thought, should be do-able.

Now, after completion (sort of), I am really glad that we did it. We've grown closer and the kids perspective of life have opened up. They're more willing to accept less than ideal condition, and the experience has provided the much needed nudge towards gratitude for 'given' comfort.

If you're game, below are some tips:

1. Prepare everyone mentally. Mine happened right bang in the middle of exam time. So I've told them to revise earlier. With all the noise, concentration will be reduced.

2. We isolated two rooms. One for study, pantry (microwave inside), and dining. And another one for sleeping. Everyone wears slippers at home, with mats in front of the room. Before climbing into bed, use wet wipes to wipe off feet (of course, we also use the portaloo to wash feet, but the amount of dust is to-experience-to-believe).

3. Blocked entrance to these two rooms as much as possible by painter plastic sheets. It is a challenge to tape it to both ceiling and floors. But be patient and you're saving yourself lots of work, and protecting your furnitures too. Tips: tape both sides (in and out) at each top and bottom side. For top, at some interval, strengthen by having a perpendicular tape instead of parallel to the side.

4. Bring out all the unnecessary stuff from inside the two rooms. You'll appreciate the space. Mine, other than bed, I keep in only: land line, all children school books, enough clothes towels bedsheets for two weeks, medicines, first aid box, iPad and PC. We also moved the fridge to a good lesser-dust 

-exposure area.

5. Other than wet wipes, prepare disposable cups plates fork spoon straws, mineral waters (don't forget the 500-600ml ones for the kids to bring to school), cup noodles, vitamins, milk, snacks.

6. One consolation for my kids was the constant eat out/food delivery. So Mommy, get ready to keep your fingers crossed for the amount of MSG. 😝

7. In each unit, there'll be one portaloo (portable toilet) installed. But beware, contrary to the claim, there's no hot water. And, the water supply is small. So to keep it not smelly, prepare to have some wet area around it. Why? Use buckets and scoop to flush. Oh, and we also only used it for emergency wee in the evenings. When it just arrived, I wiped everything with bleach. On the second day, the worker steps on it everywhere (they need to do something). Oh well... A matter of adjusting expectation.

8. Kitchen sink can still be used for brushing teeth and washing face. I was even tempted to wash my hair there but in the end used the downstairs temporary toilet/shower all the way.

9. Be prepared to q to use the common temporary toilets/shower. See the positive side, all my neighbors commented that we've grown closer too.

10. Always try to see the funny side no matter what and be amazed at how adaptable human beings are.

All the best! 👍🏻

Much Ado About Feeling Beautiful

Recently I had a major change happening. To cope with it, I am making sure that I'm 'uncluttered'. Uncluttered, to me, means that I am not distracted by the smallies, and that I feel comfortable to face come-what-may.

Unexpectedly, one of the small thing that works for me is taking care of myself. Hence the post title. It's not about looking beautiful. Wanting to look beautiful brings round the challenge to please others' eyes. But in wanting to feel beautiful, you have only yourself to answer to.

Without the burden of others' perception, we can truly design and enjoy the process. Everyone can do it. It does not depend on the $$$ sign. For me, for example, instead of going to the expensive spa, I had a good scented scrub and did it myself while watching a funny TV episode. Afterwards, with a nice moisturizer, definitely the feeling is good.

Another example, tried out new shampoo or conditioner. And took time to blow dry my hair instead of wash and dash to go. Haha I know it's normal for most ladies. But for me, with two little ones tugging and pulling, I need to make a conscious effort to steal the time.

In short, when we feel beautiful, your confiden is boosted multi folds. With the newfound level, you're good to go wherever life takes you.

Castle

Recently, I'm hooked on Castle.

Not a game, not a toy, not a book.

It's a TV series. Murder mystery thriller, with a cool beautiful female detective. Although quality of the story varies from episode to episode (some scenes could be totally not realistic), it has some neat twist that even my beloved hubby couldn't guess the killer right.

But, the best feature I like is the father-daughter relationship pictured there. It's how ideal parenting is to me. With respect, honesty, love, and lots of fun. Daughter in question here is a late teenager, with all the rebellious hormonal stage, newly acquaintance to first love, searching for life footing, ... All the things I'm most anxious to face in our children future.

God helps, hope we will be good enough to have that breed of relationships with our children. Hey, He sent a model answer! Though it's very questionable whether one would be wise to learn from a TV series. 

Public Caning

Just walked dear daughter to school. 

On the way, she mentioned casually that one of her classmate will have 'public caning' today. 

Thankfully she still said the word as something very big. 

So far, all 'privileged' for such treatment were boys. Not that it is impossible to happen to girls. 

It sadden my heart, to imagine 7-8 years old boys to be punished publicly like that. 

Even a heavier burden is that afterwards, they will still do their mischiefs, based on track record. That is, the humiliation will not be fruitful. But I do wonder whether it will scar their childhood experience. 

Is it the school problem?

I'd say, it's parenting problem. Parents should tune their children's intuition. What is expected from them, what are the consequences. It's our duty to save them from society's wrath. 

To take a leaf from my in laws book,

Children are like bamboo. 

Easier to shape when they are young.

A privilege to know Heather Von St. James

My dear hubby is a fan of ... I don't know what it's called... If you know, please let me know correct term of such movie: Many lives are in danger; alien, natural disaster, zombies, doomsday, sinking ships, ....

Anyway... After how-manieth time I watched it, I learned a lesson that I force my family to remember.

Most of the time, main reason why survivors made it to the finish line is the... Determination. Be positive, focus, don't EVER think of giving up. The will really makes a way... To survive.

In real life, it's not that simple. But really... Please don't give up. 

I am honored to share a story of a real life survivor.

This amazing lady is Heather Von St. James.

Though practically I've only know her for less than an hour (that's all it takes for the strong urge to overwhelm... Go and share the story... Go...), I think we really have a lot to learn, facts and wisdom, from her.

She was diagnosed with a very rare form of cancer, mesothelioma. This cancer caused abnormality in mesothelium, a layer that protects many internal organs.

As a sneak preview of the good stuff, here is a message from her:

 I am 44 and a mother to a quirky 7 year old, Lily. She is my only child, and was just 3.5 months old when our lives were turned upside down. I was diagnosed with mesothelioma; a type of cancer that sadly kills 90 – 95% of people who have it.

After an intense treatment and recovery journey, I am happy to say I am cancer free 7 years later! My experience was a difficult one to say the least – but I’d like to turn my pain in to purpose and become someone that other people can look to for guidance, inspiration, and hope in situations like my own.

Lessons start here:

http://www.mesothelioma.com/heather

Please go and see how positive, strong, and kind she is. How supportive family can make a difference. And how resilient human is. 

I am not sure on how the action all started, but it is very heartwarming to see how many people come together with common aim of helping one another, helping others.

You can also learn some facts that might've saved your life, your love ones. 

By the way, do you feel it?

...

Have you now?

...

Are you also feeling something is pulling your heart to share her story and her purpose?

Go and share... Don't be shy... It's not only her fight, it's our fight. 

Thank you, Heather, for showing us a good way to live. Thanks to all supporters of Heather too. Hope many will follow your footsteps. 

Why people play games

Last week, we went to swim.

I had one goal in mind, build their confidence.

You see, they know how to swim. But, we did such a great job making them understand of water danger. They're so scared of drowning (or maybe this is an inherited instinct from my dear hubby). 

Anyhow, so I stood in the pool, and they swam to and fro the edge of the pool. 

Slowly I increased the distance.

After a while it turned into a game. We took some landmark such as tree, poster, lifeguard tower, as target to meet. 

They had fun! To set their target and to meet it is such a great feeling.

I met my goal, the kids had fun. Ahhh... Bliss...

Come to think of it, I think people inherently like to perform. Game provided a no-pressure opportunity to challenge one-self, and to exceed the set target.

How about using it in parenting? Encouraging the kids to to better?

Encouragement for All Mothers

My own beloved mother is a working mom. She still is :)
So I gather that I know what it takes, what it will be like, to raise kids while working full time. Now, with two little fellas, I can see from both point of views, mother's and child's.


Long ago, an idealist me would have probably answered with full-head-on determination that I want to be a stay at home Mom.


Upon Kid no 1, all my beloveds (husband, mother, father, ...) convinced me that I should still keep working. At that time, anyway, I still had my tuition fee loan to pay, house to find, ..., all those things that scream money.


And now, six years on, am still in the same office, and amazingly I cannot say that I didn't have a blast there. I do enjoy the brain stimulation, adrenaline rush in meeting deadline, and the teamwork.


One opinion that I am still holding tight is that working mother spends quality time with her kids. By holding tight, yours truly means trying-to-shoo-away-my-guilt-by-providing-quality-time-with-my-kids.


However, I do still think that parents are still the best caregiver and best coach. So whenever my kids misbehave, a little voice within me is still whispering, will this happen if I stay at home?


Above two are one plus and one not-so-plus aspects of many more dilemma of a working mother, I believe.


And then... *gets exciting* one day, I stumbled upon this (when I was searching for working mother's beneficial office arrangement for my boss, bless him):


http://motheringtimes.blogspot.com/2011/03/how-long-have-i-been-sahm.html


It is nicely, aptly, and kindly put. A really recommended reading for all mothers.


I have made peace with our 'condition'. And with acceptance comes amicable arrangement. I am still working. But whenever my kids need me, I will be there for them. Can't say it's easy, but hey, all mothers are superheroes, right? You guys too, Daddies...


So today, I am taking a day off to PLAY with them (one of our family tradition, we'll take a day off every school holiday :)). We'll probably catch a movie, go to view all the good works they've done to Bishan park, visit the library... so much goodies to do in a day! Yay!

[Through the Eyes of A Child] Can I get the roses without the thorns?

Teachable moments came everywhere, anywhere...

I wished I seized it.

But no... I've missed it.

However... it was indeed still an enlightenment, for me.

We were choosing flowers, and my daughter was desperate. She wanted to choose the roses, but was pricked by the thorns. Hence the question, "Can I get the roses without the thorns?"

I did explain to her that roses and thorns come as a package. It's so beautiful until it needs the thorns to protect it. That's it. I didn't go deep.

Instead, it left me pondering.

Life recently was not so well... Problem at work... stress at home in catching up with all the lessons.
So this is sort of a nice reminder... when we expect rosy moments, we should also embrace the thorny ones. Since roses and thorns are a package deal.

How Can I Tell Her About It???

A few days ago, I received a phone call while working. It's from our kindergarten teacher.

I held my breath as she announced the audition result through phone. Our daughter was not selected. :(

At the same moment, images of her eyes shining while practicing flashed through. You see... our little girl loves to perform. She wanted this part. She knew the text by heart, has been practicing even without me.

Afterwards, I dialed my hubby. Wailing over the phone, I lamented to him... Oh no... how can I tell her? I told him that part of me was upset too... How can they not wanting my baby??? My ultra-reasonable other half reminded me that we're dealing with other parents' 'babies' too, here.

In the evening, upon reaching home, hubby quickly asked me, "How? Have you told her?". With a shrug I shook my head.

I waited for THE perfect moment, and soon it was bedtime. Inside my heart... there's a tiny but brilliant idea, a wish that perhaps, she'll even forget about it. In that way, perhaps, I won't need to let her down.

However, again, my great voice of reason throw another scenario... How if she heard it from her friends... That'll be even more fatal.

So I put her in my lap, and told her that her teacher called me. Immediately she stiffened. Not dilly-dallying, I told her that they've selected the other kid. As expected, tears welled up. As I hugged her and rubbed her back, I mouthed to hubby, "You see... you see...?"

We sooth her that it's not because she's bad... Simply because the other kid is better than her. It's okay to fail, because at least she has tried, gave it her best shot. And finally, she brightened up a tad hearing that there'll be plenty opportunity in primary school.

Drifting off to sleep, I smiled at the thought. Today, my daughter has learned to fail. Quite gracefully, I'd like to think. A vital life lesson well learned.

As for me, I learned that there will be no perfect moment to deliver upsetting news. It simply has to be done.

[Through the eyes of a child] If you put your mind into it, you can do anything you want

Recently, my six-year-old daughter told me while being coaxed to practice more, "I know... if you put your mind into it, you can do anything... "

Startled by this sudden surge of wisdom, I was quick to reply back, wide eyed and all... "Where did you learn that?"

And guess... her answer both surprised and soothed me at the same time.

"From the TV"

Well well well...

I remembered struggling to decide when she was a newborn whether we can let her watch TV. That's after extensive research that mostly uncover the evil side of the magic box.

Finally, I myself was lured into the temptation of adorable characters (anyway... hubby and I watched Hi-5 during our exam study in university... happily commenting all through about the comical aspect of the bunch. I wonder whether it's karma that bring our firstborn into loving the Nathan-Kathleen-Kellie-Charli-Tim combo so much in the first 18 months of her life).

So for us, TV is OK, as long as it comes from DVD/VCD. I am still a scared of all the commercials presented.

But slowly the kids found their way to Okto, a children channel in Singapore. Thankfully that happened after they are fully assured that no, they cannot behave like ones in commercials. And equally no, being on TV does not mean the toys or food can materialize at home. Whining or not.

So there... after the journey, glad to hear that children, too, get little nuggets of life wisdom from TV. :)

Great Expectation

Recently, when office was hectic and erratic (still is, until now) an home is equally demanding, I remembered my email to a best friend many years ago. In case it can also sooth others in similar situation, here it is:

---quote---

We're surrounded by others' expectation. Most often, our loved ones are the highest of them all. I think, this is because they have our best interest in hearts. As much as we would like to meet all of them, reaching a serene equilibrium is a tricky business.
Because... somehow meeting one's expectation means sacrificing other's. True?

And indeed expectation is a cruel thing. Sometimes we expect other illogically.
Especially our loved ones. To us, they are the greatest, close to superhero.
Among the loved ones, I think the kids has the biggest expectation from parents.
To any parents, their kids are their gods, capable of all sort of thing.

So there... One's life is started with expectation. When we were born, we're expected to scream our head off. Otherwise our devoted mommy will be worried. As we grow up, the expectation grows bigger as well. From teachers, friends, colleagues, neighbors, bosses, spouse, kids... It's not substitute, it's summation.

I guess... from our experience... this kind of thingy happen to anyone.

As closing, I have made peace with myself. I think, realizing a little bit too late, the greatest burden is my own expectation.
My fear of failure cause this all. I always tried to please everyone, such that putting myself in the unpleasant situation. I was too afraid of upsetting others.

After that acceptance, I felt better.

How about you?

Most importantly, please do remind me if I expect too much from my kids. And that we must not forget of His expectation. To walk on His path. Therefore, my dearest friend, no worry.
He'll make everything beautiful in His own time. Just walk on His, together with Him. :)

Stability... consistency... focus

I kept on reminding myself of these three words. Both in work and at home.

Stability

My dear mother reminded me many times. It is east to go up. The more difficult task is to stay there. 

For home, I think kids will be happier to live in a stable environment. Not only physical wise, but also emotional wise (admittedly, am guilty of the latter). 

Consistencies

How it differs from stability?

To me, stability is situational. But consistency reflect our values and judgement. Whether it hovers around a certain mark, or to the other extreme: being unpredictable.

For child education, my hubby is a firm believer of this. He set the rule, he expects the kids to follow the rules. No matter what. Thread works well for him because our notty-but-cute offspring knows what comes if they ignore it.

Put it simply, he got little trouble with getting the kids to behave.

Last is...

Focus

In the office, I keep a little to do list. Gleefully crossing item as completed. 

This enables me to multitask, and to stay focused on task on hand. 

And, managing people wise, it will be easier if everyone shares a same focus at a time.

Then I realized... This should be done at home too. Let me figure it out how... 

[Good Brand] Learning Horizon

In a typically kiasu manner, I've dutifully gone around Singapore to search for suitable courses for my kids.

To share, my 'suitability' criteria: interesting for the kids, can be useful in near future, affordable, time slot is squeeze-able into our established routine, and the last one is added after many painful experiences. Last one is the school management.

I've come to appreciate friendly school management office.
1. Simple admission and withdrawal rules (none of those few pages of fine print, which requires you to blah-blah-blah... but only in the even of preceding blah-blah-blah...)
2. Friendly helpful staff (none of those fierce stare with crumpled eyebrows, as if you're emitting some nonsensical utterance). And clean too... (<-- hastily added, remembering a few that manned the reception desk while blowing noses, cleaning up nails, *shudder*)


(Admittedly, sometimes I do make allowances for those that doesn't fit there. But only when the lessons are outstanding, and my kid depends on it)

Here is one with outstanding service. My son actually out-grew one of their program. And after trying to find others, we quited. But we only manage to stay away for a few months. I contacted them back, asking for new  classes. So now we're in again.

It is : Learning Horizon
Located at Yio Chu Kang Grassroot Club
http://www.learninghorizon.com.sg/contactus.aspx

And not only that, you can expect quality teachers there too...

Happy learning! :)

[Through the eyes of a child] Smile to the world and the world smiles back at you

From times to times, my six year old daughter can be one grumpy girl. Not a proud thing to confess, but she is.

And she's also been blessed by the power of speech. More or less, the gift enables a certain feature which talk back, reversing logic, remembering all past ruling I've made... To put it simply, sometimes I do beg her to stop *shamefaced* Am at her mercy. (I think most humanly mother will, because this situation is normally coupled with the other kid demanding attention, and the phone rings, or the water spills... Mother knows best).


What I observe, and I told her too, is that normally if she's calm and happy, things flow smoothly for her.

Quantitative proof comes in forms of abacus homework. (Abacus is a form of calculation method using series of beads, and the homework is not for the faint hearted. Simply tons of it) Whenever she does the problems in foul mood, there will be tons of mistakes.

I think for a kid, this is a good visual proof. So our little lawyer does agree with me on my above theory.

Then recently she told me that she forced her friend to smile. (Things that they tell you after works are still fascinating at this stage)
Me : Why?
Her : Because when we smile, other people will smile back to us!

After some probing, turns out that she observed a passing lady smiled a lot, bless her, and many people smiled back at the lady.

So there you go... smile... expect the best from life and from the world... and they will smile back right at you. :)

[Through the eyes of a child] We believe what we want to believe

My three year old son looked at me, eyes shining with trying-his-luck-with-plan-B-when-this-fail vibes.
"My Daddy said I can press this button if I don't know what to press"

I looked at him, amused at his conviction, while also trying to gauge the honesty level of the claim.

If you're interested, the episode above ended with me giving in. I chose to trust him.

I imagine that a child may unconsciously rank the adults in his life. The top ranking's words are always right, a norm on which he must live his life by.

The child choose to believe based on a very simple consideration, who said it.

In compromising situation, the human mischief factor goes into the equation. The child will opt for whichever most beneficial to him/her. (Unfortunately, this kind of psychological trait often get me and hubby into a row. "Did you actually told him that he can ...???", "You should've told me first before allowing them to...")

Then I realized, I think, we too, as adults, still have that basic instinct. Only that for us, aggravated by our life experience, the selection criteria on which to believe becomes much more complex.

Morale of the above rambles for me are:
1. Since we can choose what to believe, might as well believe in positive things. We CAN shape our mindset.
2. Likewise, we CAN shape our children mindset too
        Quotes : "A child mind is like a blank paper", "Seeds are in the mind, we act what we believe"
3. Be more forgiving when they land me in trouble (e.g. with hubby) because of their choice. It's just our natural instinct.      

Morale from TV series, 'The Mentalist'

Ïf we focus on what we like and what we don't like
Life will be so tiring"

Well... or something along that line. Was watching it and listening to a couple of conversation (with hubby and kids) at the same time.

Anyway... the simple truth in it... how it summed up my dilemma at the moment, strikes me.

I have always wondered... whether our decision to keep me working full time is a good one.

When I need to pay the bills, I felt trully glad that I'm working.
Likewise when I heard things going on in hubby office.

On the other side of the coin, whenever the kids misbehaved...
I do wonder, if I raise them myself... 24 hours a day, 7 days a week... (well... may not be in physical term... but you get the gist...)

Will they fare better?

So what's that got to do with The Mentalist quote???

I realized... that life may be too short, and the number of hours in a day is too few, to nurture my wonder on above topic. It is a vicious cycle that can go on and on... grass on the other side of the fence and all...
To borrow Nike slogan, just do it.

Decide, and live on it, mending things as we go along.

"The secret of life is not to do what we like...
but to like what we have to do.." - wisdom from a very great woman, a principal of my high school.

Easier said than done, huh? Tell me about it...